I am one of those lost 20 year olds who got into college hoping they would find themselves only to realize that's not what's going to happen. I had no clue what to do with my life last year of high school. I had an ending relationship with a best friend, a grandmother in and out of the hospital and a sick older sister. The future was the last thing I wanted to think about, but also the most important thing that could be crossing my mind at the time.
Eventually, when reality strikes, you put your big childhood dreams last, you put your (figurative, in my case) balls back to its place and you chose the more realistic, safe solution to your issues. In my case, that was law school. Something I wouldn't kill myself over and could deal with for a while. Something with lots of possibilities so lost little me could have alternatives.
But then came college, scary and ridiculous as it is in this weird country I live in, and I came to realize soon enough that I wasn't lost at all. What I wanted was always what I wanted. And I had figured myself out by the time I was 17. People around me seemed way too into themselves and way too up on their high horses, uttering words they thought were genius though it was exactly what 90% of the books said. Around the beginning of the second year, I realized I was a found girl around a lot of lost people. And that isn't quite easy to be. As I hang around more and more at my internship, I keep thinking the law world is nothing but a cycle of fights involving big egos of lost people. There's no place in there for a found girl.
However, Law kept being something to rely on, and if all goes wrong, a back up plan. Classes can go from extremely tedious to highly interesting and awakening. But my attention span is no good. I only want to keep living the life I live now until I have enough to abandon it all and follow this weird path I keep thinking about, full of adventures and people and things I love. The people and things I am in love with.
At the end of the day, I never found myself in college (granted I still have 2 out of 5 years to go). Maybe I didn't even make life long friends as people usually make (even if I did meet some great people who I adore at the moment). College isn't a magical place that hands you perfect life directions. Life is. We just keep forgetting that to find ourselves, we need to live. And only for ourselves.
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|Friendship is a funny ship we all need in life.|
Over the years, like most people, what I want out of life has changed. As you grow up, you learn that a pony isn't really that great of an idea, opening a bar with your friends is just as much work as any other work (bonus points if you get this reference kids!), popularity is just a stupid concept we make up during middle school and that everything changes. People come and go. Friends aren't always going to be friends. TV shows, books and favorite bands end. Venice is drowning. Icebergs are melting. Your family members will, eventually, die. So will you. Your looks will change (doesn't matter if you're thank God or oh no about it). The concepts you made up in your head of being 16, 21, 30 and 40 are not real. Life does not go according to your well though out plans. Shit happens (double bonus points for this one!). You have no control over anyone or anything. You don't even control your own dog. Therefore, none of your goals actually matter more than for the present time. None of them matter after right now. Because things always change. These are all scary, sometimes sad, truths we will be constantly reminded of throughout our lives.
What I have figured is that the only real thing you can want and actually achieve in life is being a better person. That's the only one thing you have some control over. You choose what you put inside your body, inside your brain and what you show the world through your words and actions (though you can't really control what they think or say about it). So you can always aim to be a better person. And to me being a better person always involved being a really good friend.
Maybe it came from the fact that I didn't have many friends for quite a while and know how people can need one. Or maybe I've seen way too many bad friendships over the years. But the one thing I have consistently aimed at (though not always achieved) was being the best friend a person could wish for. Now, this isn't as easy as it seems. And it might have caused me some collateral damage, like never really giving up on people, but I think that might be a conversation for another time.
Basically, what I want to clarify is that being the best friend possible does not even mean you are the person's best friend. Sometimes you're not even a close friend at all. Generally, it's all about being a nice person. How I see it is: a truly awesome friend is one that is there for you whenever you need them, to listen, to cheer you up, to laugh, to cry, to give advice and yes, most definitely to point out your wrongs too. A truly good friend doesn't need to love everything you love or go everywhere you go. A truly good friend only needs to be there when you need them, give you an honest welcoming smile and a good feeling about yourself. I should point out that, personally, although I said that a good friend does point out your wrongs, she/he talks to you about them in private and with honest care. A good friend doesn't rub your faults in your face or use your wrongs against you in any way. Beware of those who do. A good friend cheers you on in life, not pulls you back.
Thinking back over the years, I am not sure I always did my best with being the best friend I could be for people around me. I have tried, but maybe not as much as I should have. Maybe I put other things before it that shouldn't have been. And, as many people around this time of the year are giving up on their New Years Resolutions, I want to pick up again some old Life Goals I had left a little behind. The most important one of the bunch is this first one. I want to try and be the best friend a person can be. I like helping, getting to know people and bonding with them in different ways. And the last thing I ever want is for someone to feel as alone as I once felt. Friendship makes life lighter. Not so many people in the world should be living without friends. Maybe if they didn't, the world wouldn't be such a creepy place..
I have no clue why but I thought this would be fun to do. I use a macbook and my most used websites show up on the grid whenever I open a new tab on Safari. I've noticed recently that my most used websites have suffered quite a change over the years and thought it would be fun to keep some sort of track to it. I guess this could become sort of a weird geeky tag if anyone else feels like this is fun and I made up a lame name so.. that's complete. All I need now are people reading and thinking this is a good idea.... lol.
So here it goes. Currently my top sites are the following, from top to bottom, left to right:
1 - My blog. How self centered of me.
2 - The Blogger page. I know it's a plain google login page and there are 2 of those, but that's what you get when google dominates the world. This one is the blogger page. Promise.
3 - Youtube. Because who needs TV or older sister's when you an infinite amount of entertainment and tutorials at your disposal.
4 - Whatshouldwecallme tumblr. For the lols.
5 - AnythingDiz. I'm a complete and utter Disney girl. I like keeping up with the disney kids and knowing all about the new disney movies and even new amousement parks attractions. Even if I am 20 years old. Judge me.
6 - Baixartv.com. This is where I get to watch all the TV goodies that don't show up on my TV (or if they do, it's usually months in delay and who can wait for anything today when we have Tumblr and spoilers and, most commonly, both at the same time) because I live in country that only loves soap operas and annoying TV show hosts.
7 - Comoeumesintoquando tumblr. A Whatshouldwecallme brazillian rip off. For the national lols.
8 - My own tumblr. Seriously. How self centered can a person be?
9 - Gmail. Because communication.
10 - The New York Times. This is my home page. I like to pretend I read the news. It makes me feel better and worse at the same time.
11 - O Globo. This is one of the biggest national news corporation, I guess. I generally like to use it for the lols too whenever I get bored with 4 and 7 fail. The prejudice, the bad writing, the late news giving, the conceitedness and the tardiness on the beauty posts guarantee all the lols. Or just make me angry. Or both.
12 - Zoella's blog. I've been reading this a lot lately, I have years of reading to do since I only discovered her last year..
Well, that's it. I don't know if that was at all enjoyable. But I'd like to see other people do this, it's interesting, insightful into someone's personality and day-to-day life and would be nice to discover new websites to visit too! (:
You know all those multiple times when we stare at our phones every 5 minutes waiting for something, anything even though we know absolutely nothing will happen? Why the hell do we do that? Or when we carry them around as if it were another organ, only it's outside our body instead of hidden inside? Why do we act as if that person is going to call and stare at our phones and check our whatsapps every damn second? Why do we delude ourselves? Why do we act as if it's so ridiculously important and as if we were expecting the most life changing call or text or whatever it is? We know it's not going to happen and we just lie to ourselves.
Exactly this second I have my phone laying neatly near my laptop, screen up, although it's 11 p.m. on a Sunday and I'm dead sure no one is going to talk to me at this time and day. I have checked it twice while writing this post which I have only spent about 15 minutes writing up to now. Why do we do this? Do we actually think we're that important? Or that something life-changing will come from our cellphones? Do we believe truly that it is so necessary that we carry it around everywhere? Or are these all just signs that psychiatrist are right and we have grown up to the worst attention spans and the worst abilities to be on our own?
Or maybe I'm the only crazy cell-phone neurotic? Nah. Impossible.
Currently listening to: Midnight in Paris Official Soundtrack